Here’s the thing about orgasms. From an evolutionary perspective, they are kinda the point. So if they happen sooner than you’d like them to, you’re really just being efficient – from the perspective of evolution. There is likely nothing physically wrong with you.

Culturally – we’ve taken a cue from evolution in centering the occurrence of orgasm as the main event of sexual encounters, which creates a whole lot of pressure on if, when, & how they happen. The problem is we don’t have sex for purely evolutionary reasons. We have sex because sex is great.

So before we even dive into ejaculation control, let me say this: it can be tremendously helpful to prioritize pleasure over orgasm in your sexual encounters. Sex doesn’t have to happen within some kind of predetermined trajectory that ends in orgasm. The pressure and shame we put on ourselves around our sexual performance can ultimately be the culprit for why we aren’t having the sex we actually want (and deserve).

With that being said, developing control over our orgasms is possible when we practice being in high states of arousal without being in a high state of urgency.

Here are five ways to practice escalating your erotic energy with control:

1. Slow relaxation breath: When we orgasm, our PC muscles (which are the muscles in our pelvic floor) squeeze. When we breathe rapidly or hold our breath, it causes those muscles to tighten, which can send us over the edge to orgasm faster. Practice slow deep breaths into your pelvic floor to help relax those muscles.
2. Breath into and relax the asshole: Our PC muscles run all the way from our pubic bones to our coccyx. So a relaxed asshole is a great indicator of a relaxed pelvic floor. Beyond breathing, there are positions where this is easier to do and positions where it is harder. Try using positions that focus more on the use of your leg muscles to thrust vs your pelvis. For example, it is easier to do this in doggy style than missionary.
3. Know where you are on your arousal curve: If 0 is “I’m not aroused at all” and 10 is “we have reached the point of no return and there’s nothing I can do about it”– it is helpful to build awareness of what a 3 feels like. We can do this by slowing down pace, & breathing deeply and consistently. We can use this awareness not to just go up on the arousal scale, but also to learn how to go down.
4. Find sweet spot on arousal curve: Once we have developed a connection to our arousal scale, it is helpful to to understand where our sweet spot is: or where we can experience a high level of pleasure while still maintaining control. One way we can build up to the moment is by making sure we are beginning penetration at the lowest level of hard enough. We shouldn’t start intercourse at an 8 on the arousal scale– breathe and calm down a little bit.
5. Bring in stimulation to other parts of the body: Spreading sensation throughout our bodies so it is not just focused on the penis can not only help us from becoming overstimulated, but can help us have more full bodied orgasms.

By prioritizing pleasure over orgasm and practicing the techniques outlined here, you can develop the skills to take your orgasm into your own hands (or someone else’s hands, or mouth, etc). Remember to be patient with yourself and your partner, and don’t be afraid to experiment with different techniques to find what works best for you. With practice, you can have fulfilling and satisfying sexual experiences that leave both you and your partner feeling fulfilled.