I have been in more than one relationship I absolutely knew was shitty for me. I knew because everyone in my life would shame me for staying, and so would I. 

Why couldn’t I walk away? Why were these dynamics occupying so much of my mental capacity? Why did stability feel so fucking boring? 

The way I judged myself as broken for wanting patterns or partners that hurt me contributed to the internalized reasoning I had for feeling deserving of toxic dynamics in the first place. 

So I want to start by saying: there is nothing wrong with you. So many of us find ourselves attracted to dynamics that leave us feeling sad, abandoned, or even worthless. In a society that weaves shame into the cellular matrix of our beings, it is so easy to develop these patterns. 

Let’s talk about “Attachment Driven Sex when Attachment is threatened,” why we can find ourselves in these patterns, and some options we have for growth.    

“Trauma Repetition or Resolution Compulsion” is a fascinating psychological phenomenon that causes us to repeat traumatic situations over and over again. We can literally put ourselves in a position to feel feelings associated with traumatic events of our past, and it is rarely conscious. In a resolution pathway, we are often trying to try to recreate history, or change the outcome, or prove to ourselves we are worthy of something that previously made us feel unworthy. In a repetition pathway, we often just find comfort in what feels familiar to us. Our brains are powerful motherfuckers. 

And that’s because attachment and relationships are about survival. We are wired to innately want them from the deepest and most primal layers of our existence. When we are babies we depend on our adult caregivers to keep us alive. There is no higher stakes than staying in connection to our attachment people. 

In Come As You Are, by Emily Nagoski she shares a very disturbing mid twentieth century scientific study done by psychologist Harry Harlow that illustrates this idea. It’s called the “monster mother” series and it is DARK. 

Harlow and his research team created a bunch of terrifying mechanical “mothers,” who acted as attachment figures for a group of baby monkeys. Once the baby monkeys were safely emotionally attached, the robot mothers started shaking the infants, jetting cold air onto them, or spiking them to force them away. 

And what do you think these poor baby monkeys did when their robot mothers rejected them? 

They ran back to them. 

They did everything they could to make their mothers love them again. They batted their big baby monkey eyes, coo’d, groomed. They abandoned their friends. Losing this relationship was NOT an option. They absolutely had to fix it. 

When we feel distressed, we go to our attachment people to feel safe. And that still happens even when our attachment people are the reason we feel distressed. 

Nagoski uses the analogy of having to pee really badly as a metaphor for what sex feels like in a dynamic where attachment feels threatened. Imagine a time you had to pee really, really badly, and when you finally did it felt pleasurable. The discomfort of having to pee doesn’t feel good. It feels good to ease discomfort. That’s the same thing as using sex to prove to ourselves we are loved. Feeling fear and insecurity in our relationships doesn’t feel good, but it DOES feel good to feel the relief of being able to do something about it. 

But that’s just it. Do we want our sex lives to be centered around relief from distress or actual pleasure? I personally pick pleasure and also realize that, for all of the reasons I’ve already talked about, it is not that simple. The good news is that there are lots of ways to heal these patterns. Because we develop these patterns as we are developing our attachment styles– inner child work is a great place to start with your therapist or coach. 

Another great option is following a pathway of Repetition or Resolution with agency. In this pathway, we embrace our core wounds in order to get our needs and desires met in a process we control. 

Here are some examples of common core wounds & a corresponding possible resolution or repetition pathway (these examples are from Coming Together by Celeste Hischman & Danielle Harel.) 

• Feeling Unsafe: 
  • Resolution Pathway: Create a situation that feels literally scary. Maybe put on a horror movie or go to a haunted house, and have your partner really attune to your needs. Maybe this looks like cuddling you tightly or  whispering “you’re always safe with me.” 
  • Repetition Pathway: Have your partner tie you up, blindfold you, and leave you wondering what will happen next. 
• Experiencing a Lack of Care: 
  • Resolution Pathway: Have your partner pamper you and shower you with attention or nurturing touch. 
  • Repetition Pathway: Find a partner who will roleplay disinterest or aloofness. 
• Shame or Humiliation: 
  • Resolution Pathway: Take on a dominant or powerful role in your sexual experiences where you call all the shots. 
  • Repetition Pathway: Put on a collar and have your partner walk you around/tell you what to do. Or practice playing with an intentionally subservient energy. 

Learning to dance with our core wounds allows us to radically access a pathway to our core desires. When we embrace this part of ourselves we can learn how to get ALL our needs met in a safe & consensual way. There is immense healing available to us when we lower our shame and allow positive experiences to be born from our painful ones.